Make me proud baby!
Posted: 02/21/2012 Filed under: EFT, Funny, Mindfulness, Parenting | Tags: giving praise, Parenting, praise, proud, raising children, self esteem Leave a comment »You know that saying that “Give a man a fish and he won’t starve for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he won’t starve for his entire life “, well it’s a just the same when it comes to giving someone else your praise…
When I realise the damage I was causing my kids, I had to reprogram myself to ensure I wasn’t continuing the damage that many of us do when we inflict our praise on to someone else. Yes I said INFLICT!
Just think about it… your child/partner/friend has just achieved something positive and we clap them on the back, hug them and tell them just how proud we are of them like their good deed has somehow rubbed off on us, that we’re partly responsible … that their good is also our good. That they’re perfect as long as you’re happy..
Another side effect of giving praise is the dependence it creates between you and the do gooder. It is like the man who is given fish for a meal… he’s going to need it on a regular basis to survive… we need to somehow teach him how to fish so he doesn’t have to rely on us all the time!
So are you getting the idea yet? Yes.. that’s right, all your praise is creating a dependency and the more you give it, the more dependent they become on you to provide it… like an addict. And you can feel that it’s quite addictive too, like you’re worth is tangled up on giving someone else their worth because if you didn’t, then what good are you?!
So what’s the alternative? Swallow our praise and make them go cold turkey? No… that would be cruel wouldn’t it? Yes it would and enormously damaging to those already addicted to your positive attention. It requires a subtle change but one that is significant.
Change the focus from you to them… drop your use of “I am so proud of you“… 
change it to “How good to you feel now? Are you proud of yourself? That’s great! It’s so good to feel so good about yourself isn’t it?!“
See, not an “I” in sight… none of that good work (they did) is rubbing off! It stays with them and they start looking within for the feeling that they did good… they validate themselves. The more you do that, the more they seek it from themselves and enjoy the feeling of knowing that they are proud of themselves. They don’t need you or others to make them feel good.
We need to apply this principle in every positive situation, from school grades, sporting achievements and creative achievements. This one change can affect their whole lives and I’m not talking lightly here..
The difference between my children is astounding when I look back at some of the changes
I made to my parenting approach, this being one. My daughter has been brought up her whole life feeling good from the inside out and doesn’t need to seek my approval or praise. She’s confident and has a good sense of who she is. She knows if she is satisfied with her own level of school work, she motivates herself, I never have to remind her to do her work and we never get a negative report or remark about her achievements. She has self esteem! I am confident she won’t need to rely on her boyfriend/partner/boss/teacher/friends to make her feel worthy and that gives me a great sense of relief. I am proud of myself for making that change. My son was much older (in his teens) and he still suffers from praise addiction and struggles with it constantly. We talk about it when it shows up in his life and he realises it and yet it is so addictive!
Due to the work that I do with other people, I can spot a praise junky quite quickly and can start to help them unpick their dependency and wean themselves off or rather, start feeling good from within… so they don’t need to get it from unreliable sources!
I had to do this for myself! I realised that my worth was tied up on other people’s approval and that was stressful, created anxious moments and even bottomed me out in one area in my life. My creative side… I had relied on my father so much to give me praise that when he passed away, I stopped painting, drawing or doing anything remotely arty. It took me a number of years and lots of EFT sessions to help me overcome my addiction to needing his praise to feel I was any good at it. I went from drawing & painting successfully to literally sucking at it, giving up and feeling lost in the big hole, (by not doing it), it left behind. EFT helped me release my beliefs and realign my sense of self again and now I’m back painting again. Yay!
When I help others, some people get it, some people don’t (generally the givers… they still need their fix of feeling good by praising someone else’s achievements). It’s heart breaking to watch a child glow from a parent’s praise for me as I know what the future entails for that little one.. and it isn’t a fun journey to go through. It also affects everyone else around them as they try to keep up with the need for praise to make them happy.
So don’t give me praise baby… just feel good for me, tell me how happy I look, make it OK to be happy with myself, to have a few “tickets on myself” for what I did for a while. Enjoy my success without trying to take responsibility for it.
Just a little more guilt please…
Posted: 02/14/2012 Filed under: EFT, Mindfulness, Parenting | Tags: mixed messages, pointing the finger, right choices, shames Leave a comment »I was watching a news show on Sunday night where they “reported” on the new problem of young children stressing about what they eat, whether it would make them fat. The reporter even said that she was now concerned about giving her son a complex about what he was eating and so forth. Now this is a touchy subject! One that is hard to get a grasp on because we all can see the problem every time we step outside or switch on the TV/radio and hear about it. However, no one seems to (constructively) know how to deal with it other than using a shame and blame and pointing the finger at the parents.
When it comes down to it, I think we are better off switching off the TV and the radio when
stories like this come on and doing damage control when our kids come home chastised for having a brownie in their lunch box. We do need to educate our kids, but not in a way that shames them.
Parents don’t need to be blamed, they need to be educated and supported. They need help and information to empower them to make the right choices, understand what is good for them, build a long-term plan for change (it never happens over night) and that support for this change needs to happen in the home, with your GP and with your extended family. The support systems need to be in place and the environment set up to help you do that. Hard decisions also need to happen when support for your change is not there in friends and family that are in denial that the change needs to occur.
The other concern is trust! Who do you listen to? The news is reporting conflicting information each day, there are so many diets now it’s confusing and there are shows made about whipping people back into shape! There are so many mixed messages it’s hard to make fact from fiction or worse… avoid getting manipulated for someone else’s profit. It’s a multimillion dollar industry all ready to tell us that they have the answer… just eat this product, drink this or follow my strict, unsustainable plan..
Ultimately the responsibility has to come back to us, as parents, to arm ourselves with information and ideas on how to migrate our family off fast/convenient food back into natural unprocessed ways of eating. We also need to bring the whole family along with us. That involves many conversations, education for the whole family and ideally, everyone involved in creating new options. The more everyone is educated and included in the decisions, the more likely the success you will have. Kids will be scared about loosing all that sweet, fatty substances that their bodies have been setup to crave. Just like a smoker, we need to cut down and wean them off slowly by creating different food options. They need to know that the cravings won’t last for long and that they can have it as a “sometime” food. I also know how to use EFT for cravings and even for food dislikes (yes, I did use it on my little girl when she decided she didn’t like pumpkin anymore).
Changing anyone’s habits never happens through the application of guilt, shame and nagging. Lasting motivation just doesn’t work that way! People of all ages can make informed decisions and act on these based on real, relevant information. Identify the issues with what you eat and why it’s important to look at it. Look at the whole family, is there heart disease, diabetes, stroke and so forth? These are signs that your genetic make up doesn’t cope on your type of eating… that’s the reality. Look at the facts around food, read books that aren’t based on selling you a product, that are natural approaches to good food. And read blogs based on real people making changes and switching to healthy eating without the need of a drink, protein shake, unrealistic meal plan. I’ve learnt so much more from blogs, but then I’ve also learnt how to spot a blog that’s been set up to sell something too!
I believe in balance and reality checking. Have we generally eaten more veg than meat? Have we used the right fats? What’s the sugar intake like today? How many natural unprocessed foods have we eaten? What further changes do we need to move towards a healthier lifestyle? How am I modelling good healthy eating and exercise to my kids?
Lastly, what I really believe is soooo important that I can’t stress this point enough! Teaching this to your children from early on is essential and something so many adults have lost sight of… listen to your body. Which means more that just seeing if you are full enough to stop! Feel the bodies response to food physically 30 mins after your meal/snack… are you hungry again? do you feel like you need a nap? Both of these are signals that your body does not process what you’ve just eaten too well. You need to make modifications, change it around see what works for you. I have learnt to listen and I know that my body does not like sweet food such as honey, fruit and so forth in the morning because when I eat these I feel like going back to bed! I can’t do caffeine beyond one coffee a day otherwise my heart pounds faster.
What do you observe in your kids? Are your kids bouncing off the walls? Are they looking like zombies after their afternoon snack? Get the kids to start examining how they are feeling after eating too… run experiments and have them involved in the decisions about what they could eat differently. 
We did this with our daughter who was around 4-5 at the time. She desperately wanted the big M’s kids meal at the local shopping centre. We (the parents) had chosen other meals such as chicken teriyaki, veggies and rice. During the meal I had her check in to see how nice the food was, was she enjoying it, did she feel that it was worth the toy. I didn’t do it to make her feel bad about her choice of food, I said it with complete respect and curiosity. In the end, she came to the conclusion that she preferred what I was having and the toy wasn’t that great to buy the meal again. She never asked for it again, nor any of the other fast food chains either. If we were eating at the local shopping mall, we’d choose Japanese teriyaki type food or sushi or the middle eastern chicken and salad wrap. She’s now 14 and she still doesn’t eat it unless her friends drag her along. She does eat a bit of junk, but it’s all balanced out with healthier options. That’s what life is about… balance and a little less of that guilt please..
Speaking your truth…
Posted: 02/08/2012 Filed under: Funny, Parenting | Tags: bad behaviour, expectation, Parenting, tact, validation Leave a comment »
“Mum, what do you think about these shorts?” Yes, you may think… I’m at least being asked for my opinion! However, giving my truth or feedback is tricky in most circumstances and it does require tact and awareness of the most likely response before giving it. In other words… it’s a minefield! In this case, the shorts in question are high-waisted and I don’t like them and yet telling her that (which I have done in the past) has led to a frustrated response as she is seeking a signal that her fashion sense is on the mark, but our opinions are very different! So why is she asking me? Most people want to reassure themselves that they are making the right decisions so we will tend to rely upon the closest person to seek advice and validate us, even if they are a different sex or generation or don’t have the same views as us. The truth can be hard to deliver (“Yes babe, that does make your butt big”).
So in order to avoid this minefield here are some questions to ask yourself before answering or supplying advice/feedback:
“Will this feedback be really helpful for them, or does it just fulfil my own need to be right?” I may not like what they like, therefore my opinion will not be helpful or wanted. I may want to score a point because they deserve it! If I’m really being self-righteous, then I will want them to know exactly what I think is right, even if that doesn’t meet their expectation. Think before you speak! If you really believe your views would be helpful then first…
Seek first to understand! What is the need behind the question or behaviour? Is it validation? Are they looking to get attention? Always try to put yourself into their shoes before you comment on what they are doing/wearing/saying/asking/ to work out what the need is behind the question or the behaviour. This includes “bad” behaviour. If you can separate the person/child from the behaviour you can figure out what is behind it.
Be especially sensitive and careful around their “blind spots”. They are “blind” spots because they’re too sensitive to be brought into conscious awareness. Pointing out your daughter’s boyfriend is manipulative, aggressive or controlling before she sees it will not improve the situation. Unless they are prepared to change areas that they already know need to be improved, giving them feedback or advice on their blind spots is threatening and damages the relationship trust. You will just end up pushing them away.
So what can you do when you’re absolutely dying to tell them what they are doing/thinking/saying/wearing is wrong?
If it’s important to you to say something, try the sandwich method…
The truth is always received easier when it’s sandwiched between soft, gentle, validating words. ”Honey, you generally have a great sense of style and I like most of what you wear as it suits you but on this occasion, it’s my opinion that those shorts don’t look good on you. However, that’s just my opinion and I think you should trust what your heart says as we have different fashion views and you are the best judge of what’s in at the moment for your age group”.
Unsolicited feedback… “Darling, I generally like what you wear as you have a great sense of style and that does look good on you, however, it does make you look way too sexy for your age and I am uncomfortable with you going out like that in case it puts you in a situation you find hard to get out of. I would worry about you all night. I know you’re a confident and capable person so I don’t think you need to dress so sexy to attract attention or to have fun with your friends.“
When you give advice/truth/feedback, it’s important to remember that you’re sharing your own perceptions (the way you see the world). So give “I” messages: “This is my view…” “My perception is …” “This is how I see it…` “This is the way I feel…” “This is what I see…” The moment you start sending “you” messages-”You are so selfish” “You look awful in that” “You’re being difficult”. You’re making yourself the ultimate judge of that person, making a statement as if it’s a fact! And this causes relationship damage and loss of trust. If you care about the person, then the delivery of the message does matter!
“Honey, I really like you in that other dress you have, the red one. It really suits your shape more. That skirt doesn’t look as good on you, don’t you think? I think you would be more relaxed in the other dress and you look lovely in it.” (see guys, it’s not that hard if you really think about it)
Think about it… what offends us the most when we get feedback, particularly when their heart is right but their words are wrong, is the idea that we’re incompetent, fixed, labeled, categorized, judged and that we can’t something more (than what you say) or that we can’t change. If I told my daughter “Yuck”, then of course she would feel insulted…that it reflects on her poor taste, that something was wrong with her for liking it.
I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have a trusting relationship with the people I care about which is based on respect and a desire to be helpful. I want my daughter to keep asking me rather than seeking feedback from others. That way I can encourage her to check in with herself instead of being validated by others.
Taking life too seriously…
Posted: 02/02/2012 Filed under: Mindfulness, Parenting, Stress & Anxiety | Tags: Anxiety, mindfulness, Stress reduction, Worrying Leave a comment »I always know that when my kids have a friendly crack at me and I don’t see the funny side of it that it’s time to stop and look at the way I live my life. I use to be one of those mothers/employees/friends/wives/(put any label here) that tried to please everyone and be perfect at what I did and that led me to a very nasty point in my life where it all fell apart (thank god for that!). I never want to go back there! For my kids sake, for my sake and for the people I now work with who I tell to stop and notice how they feel, what they feel, where they are and what choices they have to feel peace/love/joy or another positive emotion. 
I love that book named “Don’t sweat the small stuff and it’s all small” because when you do stop to think about it… that is sooooo right! That one sentence is so profound.
If I look at just my life, I can see that even the worst possible outcome in any given situation is not the worst thing that could happen to me or to humanity.
If my daughter got pregnant, then we’d work things through, there are options for support and schooling these days. It’s not like when I was younger and fell pregnant at 18, with little support. I made it… it was hard! Why couldn’t she? Of course she could (she’s much smarter than me)!
What if my son kept getting more tattoos! OK, well he’s old enough now to live with the responsibility of his body and how he looks after it. I have voiced my concerns and that’s all I can do. What is the point of worrying about it further? I love him regardless of what he does to himself and it’s his journey, not mine. So worrying 
won’t help him, if anything, it will hinder our relationship… time to let that one go.
OK, you may say… what if one of your kids died?
That would be tragic and the worst possible thing that could happen and I would grieve for so long… but my life would not stop at that point. I would continue, I would have to, of my sake and the rest of my family. It would be by no means small stuff but worrying about it won’t help either. So I choose to let that worry go too!
So yes, I do need to reassess and think through any fears and examine the truth behind the fear because in reality, in most cases I would recover and get on with life. So when my kids have a joke with me and I don’t laugh… I start looking at what I’m taking too seriously in life! It’s my worrying that needs the re-adjustment and not the kids.
How much do I give?
Posted: 01/20/2012 Filed under: Funny, Parenting, Stress & Anxiety | Tags: Chores, Parenting, Relationships Leave a comment »I was fortunate or unfortunate (depending on the way you look at it) to have parents who weren’t watching my every move, scheduling my activities or even doing my homework with me. They really only jumped in when something appeared to be wrong. Other than that, I was left to my own devices to do what I wanted to do..to a point that is.
I did have to contribute to the household by doing chores such as cleaning the kitchen after dinner, doing the clothes washing, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming and even ironing my parents work clothes. I didn’t have to do all of that every week of course, it was spread around and rotated through me and my 3 sisters. We didn’t like doing it but we did it.
As a parent, I have brought that into my own home. It took some negotiation to achieve but in the end I have stuck to my commitment to ensure that neither I or Tony (hubby) are solely responsible for the household running. I just couldn’t give so much of my time to doing all of that work plus run the kids around, shop, work, run a business etc without exploding. I need time for me!
Something had to give.. I remember the conversation well because I called a family meeting and explained my feelings about having too much to do and owned my own frustration at what little some members did (I didn’t point fingers). Of course the first reaction was to tell me not to do so much, who cared if the house was clean blah blah blah.. I explained that our house needs to be run smoothly, chores need to be done and we needed to work as a team to achieve that. I was happy to let some mess slide, but not for it 
to back up into piles. I told the kids how I felt about having to do it all, that I didn’t like resenting them, that I wanted to enjoy our family time together and make even more of it and we couldn’t do that if both Tony and I were running around cleaning, cooking, shopping and playing taxi.
Well Ben (my teenager at the time) didn’t like it, I could tell by the look on his face, he wasn’t happy. Jaymie (who was probably around 6 years old at the time) started offering to do jobs way out of her league (bless her) and Tony started to problem solve. But the first thing I knew I had to get was their agreement that it was fairer to share the work around and that we needed to work as a team.
With a bit of listening to Ben’s concerns and allowing him to voice his fears about being bogged down with chores everyday along with homework, he came around when he realised he wouldn’t be our slave. We tried a few various ways of doing chores lists and rosters, (swapping those chores we didn’t like with others) and we had a number of follow on conversations when things didn’t happen. In the end the result was that the whole family contributes to keeping the house running, the veggie patch loaded and the animals seen to.
When I spoke to everyone with respect for their views and didn’t try to take away their dignity by enforcing rules, the result worked. I had cooperation!
Now that was sometime ago now, Ben’s left the nest and he left it with the ability to cook, do his washing, ironing and clean a house (so he makes a great person to share with). In the end, I’ve empowered him. Some of his friends had to learn from scratch or get girlfriends who were willing (suckers) to do that for them.
As I’ve travelled this parenting pathway, I’ve watched many friends and even family members go through the same struggles with giving so much of themselves, spending much of their time doing chores and such and in the end resenting the kids, the hubby and even the dog for being one more burden.
When you give too much, you empty yourself, you feel resentful while they sit and relax, call you for a drink or to play games or ask to go out. It’s at that point you generally snap and start yelling at them. They look surprised or react with their own anger and BAM! you’re into a fight. Whether it’s your kids or husband, it does not make for family or relationship bliss.
If you take the time to negotiate a better outcome and fair spread of the work and keep the conversation going about it at a reasonable (no snarling please) and respectable way (just like you have to negotiate with adults), you’ll have a better chance at making it a long-term change.
I do bring drinks to my daughter, make her a snack or help her with her homework. And I love it! I can do that because I don’t have to do everything else around the house. It goes both ways too. They make me a drink or invite me to watch a movie and I can, I have time.
That’s not to say there’s not some resentment from them about doing the housework.
I remember my son saying to me (while he was doing his ironing) “You know mum, other guys at my age still have their ironing done by their mum”. He said it with a smile, so I know it was a little bit of a bait to see what I’d say. My reply was “Well isn’t it good that you’ll know how to look after yourself when you do move out of home and you won’t be dependent on me to do your ironing” I said with a smile back. He just laughed.
I remember the only struggle I had when I left home was in knowing how to cook a meal. My mum was the owner of her kitchen and we really didn’t get to play in her area unless it was making dad something sweet on a Sunday or Saturday afternoon (when she wasn’t in there). So when I kept ringing mum to ask how to cook something, she ended up sending me this massive Women’s Weekly cookbook which tells you how to do everything. I still have it! Now, most of my cooking is done from feel and taste as a result of lots of experimentation, but still, I won’t let that cookbook go. My kids have used it on occasion to cook something from. Perhaps I’ll give book to my daughter when she decides to fly the coop..
Give a man a fish and he eats for the day, teach him how to fish and he’ll feed himself forever.
Are you giving too much?
What do you value in your relationship?
Posted: 11/03/2011 Filed under: Mindfulness, Parenting | Tags: Parenting, Peaceful, Relationships, Values Leave a comment »Being peaceful parents under the same household can be challenging if you both see and expect different things of your children and of each other. One way to avoid this is discovering what is going on inside of your partner, what’s important to them, what do they need from your relationship and how do they want to experience “family life”? The purpose of the True Valuesexercise is to help you to identify what your true values really are and to re-orient your life around expressing these values. This can be applied to your work, on
an individual basis or as a couple (relationship) and even as a group (family, team). It can change the way you see each other and how relate because it clears up any misconceptions and unspoken expectations. The most effective way to set your life up is to have goals and to achieve the goals is to make sure they are value-based instead of want-based.
True Values Exercise for Loving Relationships
Step 1: Identify Your Relationship Values
In this exercise each partner takes turns in answering the following questions to identify what’s important to them (either in a loving relationship or in the context of a loving family). When one partner has answered and identified the their relationship values then they swap and the other partner gets to do the same process. It’s important that if you are the asker (and listener) that you do not censor, change or invalidate anything that your partner says – this is what’s important to them and you’ll get your turn. At the end you can both come up with a combined list based on understanding and evaluation and agreement.
Start by asking your partner “What’s important to you in the context of a happy, loving relationship (or family)?”
List each value as they are said to you – do not change the wording just write it down as a single word or short phrase.
When your partner hits a blank spot (can’t think of one), ask them “What else is important to you?” Give them a moment to think, don’t guess for them, (allow the silence), no pressure!
When they have exhausted their list, then ask the following:
“Now I want you to just stop, and remember a specific incident when you felt happy within a loving relationship .. And as you go back to that time now, step into your body, see what you saw at the time, hear what you heard and feel the feelings of being totally motivated…. CLOSE YOUR EYES and see that now. Now rewind the movie just a bit and tell me, what was the name of the feeling or emotion that was present just prior to the feeling of being totally motivated?”
and respond with… “So is that feeling or emotion important to you in the context of your life?”
Now swap to the other partner and repeat the above process until you both have a set of values. If you’re doing a list of family values, get the children involved too, so they can contribute and also understand what everyone wants in their family life.
Step 2: Combining and narrowing down your values list
The next stage is agreeing on what your combined list of values is. You can do this by looking at common themes across your separate values list. For example, for relationships, if one list contains trust and the other contains security and when they were explained as very similar meanings (not cheating, not keeping things from the other etc) then these could be combined into one value word with that meaning being the same for both of you.
This time begin with what’s most important and end with the least important and keep it to around 10 at the most (it can be less, even 5 powerful values can be enough). Make sure that the whole family gets a say in joint family values because without their input they are not able to live committed to these values.
Step 3: Commit to your joint values
Now that you both understand each other, know what’s important to each other are all parties able to commit to these values for the next 2-4years? (After that time, things change, relationships and children grow and you can re-evaluate your values and determine if a new set of values is required). List the ways you could live and experience your relationship or family aligned with these values.
Step 4: Celebrate your values
With this list, you can also come up with a fun project for both of you or your whole family to encourage you to live within your values. This may include date nights, a holiday, a romantic interlude, a family event, re-affirming your vows and so forth. It can be a long term or short term project or both. Make it fun for everyone to be involved.
A project creates a joint vision for you all as you move towards your future. Remember expectations rule outcomes. The moment you bring your this project vision into your conscious awareness means that you are empowered to make it happen. But it doesn’t mean it’s locked in! A vision can be far reaching yet can be revised along the way as you find creative ways of making it happen.
If you want an extended version of this exercise, which can be adapted to just you as an individual (what would make your life happy and fulfilling?) , a group (family or team) or relationship, check out my parenting resources page.
Power and manipulation
Posted: 08/13/2011 Filed under: Mindfulness, Parenting | Tags: mindfulness, Parenting Leave a comment »Many of our daily interactions in life are about what we want and what we want someone else to do for us. “I want you to clean up your room” “I want to be the best office manager so i can get a raise and the admiration of my boss”. How we get what we want in the moment is based on how our parents showed us or how we learnt was most affective as a small child and growing up. Depending on our parents ability to parent, that could mean we learnt to be sweet, cute, funny or sad to manipulate the adult into complying. We could also use aggression and resentful words or words we knew brought out the guilt or withdrew our love and the parent would comply. It all depended on our parents and what worked the best. If you had domineering fear based parents then aggression didn’t work until perhaps we grew into the same size or bigger, then we could get our own back.
But the current societal norm is not to be physically aggressive towards your kids anymore, or at least not in public. So aggression is used in private but the kids learn that if you act out in public there was a chance of scoring what they wanted. Even if they were punished for it later. Replacing the aggression is more of the manipulative style of parenting. Utilizing guilt, withdrawal of love and touch and rewarding good behavior by over doing the loving words and hugs and kisses. Much the same way they recommend you train your dog really.
Many parents who grew up with the fear, aggressive parent model are determined not to do that with there kids because they know how much it hurt them physically and mentally. Sometimes they go to the opposite extremes and become the push over parent. Giving children no boundaries is just as damaging for both the parent and the child. The parent is left powerless and scared because they fear the loss of love the most (hence why they can’t be firm) and the child is uncomfortable with limits and simply changes direction into another path of least resistance and never learning how boundaries can be helpful.
However, the biggest parenting damage we can do to our kids above everything else is to fail to spend time with them and teach them how and it’s ok to safely express feelings. Children beginning to learn language need to be give words for their emotions. They need to be taught what it is that they are feeling and if we are too caught up in what we want and feel in the situation we quite often ignore the child’s needs and feelings. Power and manipulation are the major roadblocks to allowing this learning to occur because the total focus is on the needs of the powerful or manipulator. When you are employing either of these methods as a parent you are indicating to the child that what they feel is not important. Continual shutting down children results in bottled up emotions. The extreme cases can mean children simply don’t know how to feel because they can’t name what is happening for them. They have learnt that what is outside of them is more important than what is happening inside of them.
Feeling uncomfortable yet? Perhaps you notice that you’ve employed some of these methods? Where is the unconditional love in that behavior? There is none. Parenting is hard! Asking your children to behave, share, be polite, do well in school or sport and grow up to be an asset to society is tricky when all you have to do it with is based on either manipulation or aggression.
I was listening to Professor Graham Martin from Queensland University (http://www.uq.edu.au/uqresearchers/researcher/martinge.html) on the ABC radio the other day. He’s spent his psychiatric career working with people who self harm be that drinking, eating disorders, cutting themselves, drug abuse and so on and is now heading research in suicide prevention at Queensland University. The one thing that stood out for me, in that interview, was the need to help children express themselves and allow their feelings to come out. Did you know there’s even a word for people who are not able to feel or process emotions - alexithymi!
There is way to learn how to teach your children about emotions and how to safely express them and I promise you that while you are learning it won’t be easy (because you have to recognise them in yourself first), however, the results are transformational. I have see it over and over again in my own life, counseling, coaching and peaceful parenting training career. The earlier that you can begin parenting using effective honest and feelings based communication the easier it is for your children to start modeling that behavior back to you and to society in general. But even if your children are older, it’s never too late to start having meaningful and healing dialogs about how you can love and work together as a family without shouting, intimidating or manipulating others. By putting it on the table for discussion you begin the opportunity for healing.
To start with you can read about it in books. I recommend the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families by Steven Covey. But I really think you can’t beat learning and experiencing it in a workshop environment where others are also having the same challenges and results and you can ask questions and practice.
The biggest challenge to that is being able to get there, especially if you have little ones, but it is so essential for every parent to learn good parenting skills. So that’s why I am going to do my best to create an online course where you can fully interact and ask questions and learn and experience the results. The course I normally run is based on skills from Parent Effectiveness Training and combined with a simple technique which allows you to release any emotional triggers. The importance of doing this work is nicely summed up by brilliantly by this Youtube video.
Email me if you are interested in joining us on this transformational journey.
Commitment to Me!
Posted: 07/28/2011 Filed under: EFT, Mindfulness, Parenting Leave a comment »As a parent you can get caught up in the daily process of mothering, work, house work, business, clients and many other things and forget to take time out for yourself. Well August 2011 is my creative month.
I’ve been listening to clients, friends and family and have heard that it’s hard to make a commitment to learning tools to creative a peaceful environment at home because our lives are so chaotic and fast paste. So short, sharp, just in time parenting workshops have been asked for. Now I have the task to stop… listen and act.
August will my creative business month this year where I hope to come out with at least 2-3 workshops that deliver peaceful parenting techniques combined with emotional freedom from our emotional triggers (those little buttons our children, partner and work collegues push that make us frustrated, yell, use “naughty words” and cry).
This month will also be about stoping and listening to me. To do this I am committing myself to some daily rituals that, just like brushing my teeth daily, give me mental health.
AUGUST DAILY RITUALS INCLUDE:
Stretching – my body and mind
3 minutes of creative mind mapping
Tap! – EFT on any little fears and doubts
Gratitude for my family, friends and life in general
That last one is the most important because without that life goes straight back into treadmill mode. Besides, it’s amazing what you can see and appreciate just by stoping and looking. Living in the moment!
Rain forrest magic - a lovely discovery
Why Won’t You Listen To Me??!!
Posted: 03/29/2011 Filed under: Parenting, Stress & Anxiety | Tags: Listening, Parenting, Peace 1 Comment »One of the most common complaints that parents make to me is that their children won’t listen to them. Which is ironic… why ironic? Because in every instance there is always a case of do as I say and not as I do… we want them to listen to us but we don’t show them how to do that..
Basically we are lousy listeners ourselves! 
Listening takes effort. It’s not as simple as shutting up and sitting there focused on what’s being said. If you’ve ever sat through a speech you’ll know I speak the truth. Unless that speech is absolutely riveting which means we have totally bought into what’s being said, then we find our minds wandering off… to the list of things to do today… to our own worries… to our own agenda for this conversation… to our own defensive response… to devise our own brilliant solution to your problem!
Just think about times when you have felt heard, which is generally by someone who has shared your experience… they listen attentively with their whole body, they will repeat back to you what you’ve said by rephrasing it into their own words, they make minimal sounds that show they are still with you and they sometimes match your expression and even match your tone in your excitement or sadness or any other feeling you’re expressing.
If you want your kids, partner, friends to listen to you, then you need to actively show them how to do that for you by doing that for you. In each relationship, for it to work effectively, there needs to be an equal exchange of effort. One of the best things you can do to improve your relationship is to learn and practice actively how to listen.
When I learnt how to listen… back when I was studying counselling… I had to learn how to listen. So I practised on everyone in my family, at work, at coffee with friends and in accidental conversations waiting in queues… everywhere I could. I didn’t tell anyone what I practicing, I just did it and oh my goodness did it change things. I just couldn’t believe how much it changed everything!
My family is a blended family, I have a son from a previous relationship and a husband who came on the scene when my boy was 4years old. Blended families are always a challenge and in our case things were escalated when both hubby and son decided they’d reject each other and compete for my attention… both wanted to be right and both wanted me on their side. Well… when I stopped stepping into the foray and instead just listened to them (separately of course, I’m not crazy), the whole dynamic changed. I didn’t object, defend, insert logic, plead the other point of view, tell them to get over it, tell them to shut up or anything… I listened.. actively… fed back what they said, reflected the feelings they were displaying and let them know I heard them with my body language and facial expression which matched theirs.
I cannot stress how much this changed the dynamic between them, even though they weren’t actually talking to each other, just to me… but the fall out of being listened to was that their emotional temperatures were lowered, they felt that I understood (and I did), and then they were much more willing to reflect on how the other felt. They started getting on better, and eventually they stopped fighting all together. It seems amazing to me now that they ever were at each other throats, that I contemplated whether I would have to break up my family because I couldn’t see a resolution between these two.
In fact today, my son (now 23), was telling me how much he enjoyed spending all of Sunday together with my husband which would have been unheard of just 15+ years ago.
WARNING! There are side effects to listening instead of fixing, defending or jumping into the fight! There is less stress, zero anxiety and your health improves 
Listening… it’s the one thing that will change your relationships for good. Check out how to do this on my Parenting Help page.
Anticipation… The stress behind the thoughts
Posted: 03/10/2011 Filed under: Mindfulness, Parenting, Stress & Anxiety | Tags: mindfulness, Stress reduction Leave a comment »Anticipation is a word that doesn’t often get associated with a negative feeling, it’s
generally spoken about in terms of excitement. However, the anticipation I am talking about is the kind you don’t normally talk about or relate to in a positive way. It’s the negative worrying about the future, the worry about being summoned to the principal’s office because of your child’s anger, it’s the dread of facing work knowing they are identifying which positions will be cut, the fear of facing the doctor with a strange lump in your breast. It’s the anticipation of a loss you’re not prepared for.
It’s generally not spoken about because people know that others can’t relate to it because it hasn’t happened yet. If you do speak about it people tell you not to worry about it (a futile expression). There’s just a sense of dread, doom and a little bit of hope that the worse is not to come. How you handle this is a measure of your ability to be aware of your emotions and to actively manage them without exploding and yelling at others.
I was once a worrier, I call myself a reformed worrier now. Having a child who was diagnosed as ADHD meant that I spent many days and nights worrying about him, what his report card would say, whether he’d be able to control his temper or emotions, would he try drugs because he was so quick to do things before really thinking about the consequences. These are all valid worries that didn’t make my life any easier or his any better. I micro managed him for many years and now I regret doing that so much because it meant that he had to struggle to learn self management and problem solving when he moved out of home.
Anticipation can be another form of anxiety. The silent kind. We are expecting the worse. We are grieving before the loss. The loss of a person, if they do something life threatening. The loss of a dream if it doesn’t go to plan. All of these feelings have a stake in a future which is out of our control and keeps us from enjoying what we have right now.
We are the only species on this planet which is able to anticipate our own deaths..all others have the ability to just carry on until it’s time to die and leave the grieving to the ones we leave behind.
There are five stages to grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Unfortunately these emotional stages can be experienced even before the loss! Have you ever begged God or tried to make a deal so that something would work out OK? “Please God if I could just get this job then I promise I will never be so reckless again!” “Please God if you let Sue live then I promise to dedicate my life to cure MS!”
We anticipate the loss and then slip into one of the stages and jump in and out of the others until the threat is gone or the loss is realized. What about the daycare mum that is told that little Sam is bullying the other children, she can’t believe it, he’s so lovely at home, he’s her sweet little boy. She then lives in a world of anticipatory stress unconsciously horrified she’s created a monster instead of the sweet little boy she thought she had. When she sees him bully another child at a friends place she’s horrified and yells at Sam and drags him home crying. Her view of him has changed and her safety threatened by the fear that she’s not good enough as a mother and others will judge her for it.
What we fear the most is the loss, the lack of control we have in our lives, that our world and life is impermanent and ever changing is the paradox we cannot and will not accept. In this lack of acceptance is our fear and pain.
What if we changed our outlook to accept this reality, that we can’t control everything, including the behavior of others? How would that feel if you could do that right now. Think of something that is worrying you… Where do you feel that worry in your body… Ask yourself what am I hoping to control here, what outcome am I fearing? What if you could accept that outcome? What’s the worst thing that could happen? How do you feel when you think of that? What would you feel if you didn’t believe in that thought, that something bad is going to happen? If you could clear your mind of that anticipated negative outcome how different would you be behaving? What would others notice about you?
Get a sense of the alternative state and emotions you would be feeling if you let go of your need to control the anticipated negative outcome. The belief that it can’t happen to you! That you can control others or their behavior or what they say about you. None of that can be controlled!
You know you have finally reached a peaceful place if you can examine your worries for the real or imagined losses and release the need to control the outcome, the need to fight what is the actual reality. You then become more resilient when the loss does actually happen. Though you can expect that the loss will hurt and you will grieve, if the loss occurs (as is natural). You also release your worry about the future and focus on the moment you are in right now.. This too shall pass..
My peace comes from not fighting what is real and letting go of an imagined future… Accepting each moment as it arises and watching what I feel and what I say to myself and challenging my thoughts when they slip into the imagined future.. Peace at last.
